Congratulations on your graduation from high school. I’m sorry I am not able to congratulate you in person. I am sure you are ready to begin a new chapter in your life.

I heard you were accepted to five colleges. That in itself is quite an achievement. I see you have chosen Gonzaga. I hope you will thrive there.

I have sent you some gifts on the occasion of your graduation. You may not think much of them now, but I am hoping you will grow to appreciate them.

Your mother wrote to me that you are in one of those phases in your faith journey where you have a lot of questions. As your godfather I thought I would try to address this in some way.

I contacted your parents to ask for advice on having a rosary made for you. I had one made for me by the Sisters of Carmel. It has a Celtic Cross and an Our Lady of Knock centerpiece. I wanted those to acknowledge my Irish ancestry. My mother had a small carved cross with a center you could look into and see a photo of the site in Knock Ireland where Our Lady appeared with St. Joseph and St. John the Evangelist. I used to look into it frequently when I was a little boy.

The beads are black onyx. The chain is sterling silver. The side medals on mine are St. Ignatius in honor of the gift I received when I was introduced to his Spiritual Exercises and St. Philip Neri. When I was a boy, I read a comic book from the vestibule of my parish about St. Philip Neri. I was motivated by what I read to choose St. Philip Neri as my confirmation saint.

Your mother suggested having yours made with the Celtic Cross and Our Lady of Knock centerpiece because you had really enjoyed your visit to Ireland and to act as a reminder of that visit. Your rosary also has black onyx beads and sterling silver chain. Your side medals are of St. Christopher and St. Michael.

There is a leather rosary case and also a round rosary case. I use the round one to carry a rosary in my back pocket. I have to be careful with it in my back pocket. I did have it slip out of the pocket without noticing it. Fortunately, I was able to retrieve it. I haven’t tried carrying it in my pocket in the leather case, but I do keep it in that case in the house.

Your mom suggested you might appreciate a compass with some scripture verse inscribed on it. I got you one of those. It sounded kind of hokey but when it came it impressed me that it was more substantial than I expected it to be, and it actually works. I doubt this is something you’ll want to carry with you all of the time, but I do like the scripture passage on it:

I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8

There is also a copy of the book, Manual for Men. I will say more about that later.

What follows are thoughts I have on matters I think are important as well as some events in my life that I recognize as important moments in my life. I would encourage you to reflect on the events in your life that have had a significant impact. You may not recognize them at the time they occur.

Enjoy this new chapter in your life. I have included a card that has all of my contact information. The image of the Divine Mercy is on the card. It is there to remind you of God’s love. Feel free to contact me anytime even if it’s just to say hello. If you want to talk about what I have written, or anything else, I would be happy to do so.

Or you may decide I am an old man and what I have written has no relevance today and just toss it all in the trash. I would still encourage you to talk with me, your dad, a priest or other trusted individual you may know.

Good luck!

Love,

Your Godfather,

Greg

Faith

“Chris is in one of those phases in his faith journey where he has a lot of questions.”

There is nothing wrong with having questions. It is in questioning things that we learn. I do believe, however, if one questions something, then one has an obligation to seek answers. Otherwise it is easy to just reject whatever caused the questions and remain ignorant.

None of us were born with a full knowledge and understanding of our faith. I went to public schools and went to religious education classes on Saturday mornings. I actually had a fair understanding of my faith when I was confirmed. However, it was not an adult understanding.

I went to the University of San Francisco, a Jesuit University. All Catholic students had to take twelve units, four semesters of theology. I learned nothing.

Years later I started teaching eighth grade religious ed at St. Anthony’s. I still did not know much more than I knew when I was confirmed when I was in eighth grade.

When I was in my late thirties or early forties, Ellen and I were at a weekend gathering with classmates and their families from Ellen’s class at Dominican College of San Rafael. Dominican was a woman’s college when Ellen was there. One of her classmates came for the first time with her husband Chauncy. He was the pastor of an Open Door church in Sacramento.

We would all share dinner together. After dinner Saturday night, while people were doing dishes in the kitchen and others were visiting, Chauncy came over to me and started asking me questions about the Catholic faith. He wasn’t asking to learn about catholic teachings, he was asking questions to prove the Catholic faith was, in effect, a tool of Satan.

Our conversation became the focal point of the evening. Everyone, about ten or twelve, was listening to Chauncy and me. He threw challenges at me I had never heard of before. I had to admit I could not answer all of his questions and challenges. This went on for several hours before we finally called a truce.

My experience provoked a response within me to commit to deepening my understanding of my faith. I started collecting as many books as I could to learn more about my faith and in particular, to understand the arguments and challenges of non-Catholics like Chauncy. This was in the early years of the internet, so I had to visit a lot of Catholic bookstores.

When Ellen’s classmates were gathering the next year, it was an annual event, I packed up my bible and all of the books I had to take with me to do battle with Chauncy. I was prepared. I was looking forward to answering all of his questions. All was perfect, except for one thing. Chauncy did not come. I have never seen him again.

While I was disappointed, I realized God had put Chauncy in my life to stimulate me to deepen my knowledge. It is doubtful I ever would have done so if not for Chauncy.

I did not have questions about my faith. I was very satisfied being the Catholic I was. However, I now realize that my faith was fair but hardly deep enough to stand against other challenges that might have come. I believe God put Chauncy in my life to get me to do something I might never have done without him.

Learning does not end with school.

Learning

I also learned in college that not everything taught in college is good.

In 1941, Bishop Fulton J. Sheen wrote:

On the one hand, secular college and university education teaches in one form or another that there is no such thing as evil or guilt, that there are no absolute standards of right and wrong, that right and wrong depend entirely upon one's point of view. (War and Peace: A Sheen Anthology)

USF only had one course of study requirement for all students, twelve units of philosophy of which three units had to be ethics.

The man who taught my ethics course used his own book for the class. Situational Ethics. Per his book, there are no absolute standards of right or wrong. The rightness or wrongness of anything depends on the circumstances.

I do not recall what grade I got in the class. I did not fail. I’m sure, however, my teacher did not like what I wrote in my final paper.

The day before my ethics final, which was a paper to be turned in on a topic I don’t recall, my daughter Adrienne was born. She was born in San Francisco late in the evening. I had not written my paper before having to take Ellen to the hospital. I arranged to stay at my uncle’s house in San Francisco rather than drive all the way back to Novato. After sharing a Guinness Stout with my uncle in honor of the birth of my first born, I stayed up to write my paper.

I don’t remember what I wrote exactly but I know I started with something like this, “Tonight I have been thinking a lot about right and wrong. My daughter, my first born, was born tonight. I believe some things are always right and some things are always wrong. The circumstances have nothing to do with it.”

That was fifty years ago. What Fulton Sheen wrote eighty years ago had spread to religious colleges and universities only thirty years later. Today, situational ethics is probably the prevailing attitude of the vast majority of people. Without a definite standard of right and wrong anything goes. Morality is defined by me. I become the center of my life and my life choices. In effect, it denies the existence of God.

In college you will face many circumstances and opinions that are contrary to what you have been taught by your parents and your church. This is where the quote from Psalm 38 is good to reflect back on. How you discern right from wrong will greatly determine the life you will live. It is by God’s grace that we are able to make good decisions.

Love and Sin

In August 1982 I attended a parish mission at Our Lady of Loretto over several nights. Each night the mission lasted about two hours from 8:00 to 10:00 PM. The church was packed. Many children were present. My daughters, ages five and nine, were there. I do not recall any crying or fidgeting children. It was a spirit filled experienced.

The presenter was Fr. Brennan Manning, a Franciscan priest. I have read that Fr. Manning left the priesthood and was laicized shortly after this mission. He was an alcoholic and married a woman whom he later divorced. He died in 2013.

Hardly the story of a saint. However, I learned something during that mission that changed me profoundly.

The central message preached by Fr. Manning was, “God loves you as you are, not as you should be, because nobody is as they should be.”

A simple sentence, but an eye opener.

Many people think they have to earn God’s love. They think they are not good enough to go to heaven. They fear God is waiting for them to make a mistake, end their life, and send them to hell. What a grace to learn God’s love is unconditional. We can never earn it because He freely gives it. Our challenge is not to earn God’s love but, rather, not to reject it.

You will hear people say sin offends God or hurts Him. Or that we can lose heaven because we committed a serious sin. We may see things that way, but I don’t think that’s how God sees it.

God cannot be hurt. Certainly our sins are an afront to God. But the reality of sin is that it is a rejection of God, a rejection of the love He freely gives us. We can never lose that love God freely gives, but we can freely reject it. We cannot lose the gift of paradise He promises to His children, but we can freely and deliberately reject it.

When you were baptized, your parents along with Barbara and I all asked, on your behalf, for you to become a child of God and a brother of Jesus. With your baptism came a right of inheritance. You received the right to be with God forever in heaven. However, God does not force you to accept your inheritance. You are free to reject that inheritance.

Life is full of temptations. You will always sin. Everyone born of man and woman, except for our Mother Mary, has sinned. As long as we draw breath, we will be capable of sinning. Fortunately, we have the sacraments of Reconciliation and Anointing of the Sick. We should pray for God’s grace to avoid all sin but especially mortal sin.

The first thing we should do is avoid opportunities to sin. Even better is to develop virtuous acts. When I taught religious ed I used a table to explain what I meant.

Think of the tabletop as living in God’s grace. Think of the area off the side of the table as being in the state of mortal sin. The tabletop area closest to the edge is where venial sins are found.

Think about walking along a straight line on the ground. Try looking only at the line as you are walking. How likely are you to cross over that line or at least step on it? How likely are you to fall off the table with your eyes only fixed there, especially if you are hurrying as we often do in life?

Now think about the rest of the tabletop. On the edge of the table is the land of sin. The rest of the tabletop is the land of virtue. The more we focus on just avoiding sin the more likely we are to commit sin. The more we focus on developing virtue, moving away from the edge of the table, the less likely we are to sin, especially serious sin.

Again, sin is rejecting God’s love. No one knows exactly what happens when we die. We hear that God will judge us worthy of entering heaven or He will condemn us to hell. I have my own idea of what will happen.

Virtue and Works of Mercy

Virtues

• Humility
• Charity
• Chastity
• Gratitude
• Temperance
• Patience
• Diligence

The Spiritual Works of Mercy

• Admonish the sinner. (Give correction to those who need it.)
• Instruct the ignorant. (Share our knowledge with others.)
• Counsel the doubtful. (Give advice to those who need it.)
• Comfort the sorrowful. ...
• Bear wrongs patiently. ...
• Forgive all injuries. ...
• Pray for the living and the dead.

The Corporal Works of Mercy

• Feed the hungry
• Give Drink to the thirsty
• Shelter the homeless
• Visit the Sick
• Visit Those in Prison
• Bury the Dead
• Give Alms to the Poor

God's Judgement

We all know about courts where guilt and innocence are determined. Those courts have a judge who presides over the trial and passes judgement. If there is a jury, the jury decides whether the defendant is guilty or innocent. The judge only passes sentence.

I think the common image people have is that when I die, I will stand in front of Jesus, and I will hope He finds me worthy of heaven and not hell. I don’t think it will be like that.

I believe Jesus will ask me a simple question, “Do you love Me?” I will know the answer. I will not be able to lie to Truth Himself. If I am in the state of grace, I will answer, “Yes.” However, if I die in the state of mortal sin, a state I freely entered, I will know it and will have to answer, “No.”

Jesus will just confirm the sentence I passed on myself. If I love Him, He will welcome me to heaven, or at least purgatory. If I do not love Him, I will condemn myself to hell. He will confirm my own judgement.

Prayer

For most of my life my prayer was limited to my bedtime prayers. Nothing wrong with bedtime prayers but they are pretty much one sided. I talk but I’m not listening for a response.

In the mid 1990’s, Ellen took a buyout from Bank of America and began training for and trying a new occupation, financial planner. It was hard work. She had to learn about securities and pass tests to be certified. She also had to build a client base as her job was based on commissions. It was very hard and put a strain on our whole household. I finally decided I had to get away.

I suppose you could call it a midlife crisis. However, unlike most midlife crises for men, running off with another woman or buying a muscle car, my midlife crisis led me to El Retiro.

El Retiro is the Jesuit retreat house in Los Altos. I went for a weekend retreat. I had never been on a retreat before.

The facility does not offer retreats in August, which is when I wanted to go. There are no retreat directors there until after Labor Day. I called them and explained what I wanted and why. The rector of the retreat center, Fr. Sullivan, agreed to direct me.

I went down there and was introduced to Ignatian Spirituality. I fell in love with it. I bought several books in their little bookstore and read all of them after my retreat was over. I decided I wanted to continue receiving spiritual direction and asked Fr. Sullivan if he knew of someone in Marin or farther north. I had to repeat my request several times until he finally put me in touch with Sr. Antonia in Santa Rosa.

I went to her for several years. I made a retreat with her with the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. With her support and encouragement I directed twelve others, including your mother, over several years.

I encourage you to learn more about Ignatian spirituality while you are at Gonzaga.

One form of prayer I have found helpful, and is easy to use, is the Triple Colloquy.

I'm sure you have heard of Hamlet's soliloquy where he shares his thoughts out loud. A colloquy is a conversation where you share your thoughts with someone else. The Triple Colloquy is three conversations.

The first conversation is with our Mother Mary. Sit someplace quiet and put yourself in the presence of Mary. Talk to her as you would a close friend or even your mother. Tell her what is going on in your life. Tell her the good things and even the not so good things. Be sure to pause and listen for her to talk to you. When you are finished with your conversation, ask her to go to her Son and ask Him to give you the graces you need to deal with whatever is going on in your life. This can be good things or difficult things. It may be you just want to share some good news and to express your thanks. Or it may be some difficulty you are dealing with and want some help. Or maybe you just need some advice.

Conclude your conversation with Mary by thanking her. Then close with a Hail Mary.

Next, place yourself in the presence of Jesus. Repeat the same process with Him. When you are finished with your conversation, ask Him to go to His Father and ask Him to give you the graces you need to deal with whatever is going on in your life.

Conclude your conversation with Jesus by thanking Him. Then close with the prayer, Soul of Christ.

Next, place yourself in the presence of God the Father. Repeat the same process with Him. When you are finished with your conversation, ask Him to give you the graces you need to deal with whatever is going on in your life.

Conclude your conversation with God the Father by thanking Him. Then close with an Our Father.

You can do this whenever you feel the need or just because it is a nice thing to do. Don’t think you are being foolish because you are told to listen to Mary, Jesus and God the Father. You may actually hear them talking to you or you may just have a sense of understanding what they want you to hear.

Soul of Christ (Anima Christi)

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
O Good Jesus, hear me.
Within your wounds hide me.
Permit me not to be separated from you.
From the wicked foe, defend me.
At the hour of my death, call me
and bid me come to you
That with your saints I may praise you
For ever and ever. Amen.

Manual For Men

In 2015, Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted, Bishop of Phoenix, wrote an Apostolic Exhortation to Catholic Men in the Diocese of Phoenix, AZ, titled, Into the Breach.

He begins his message this way:

        A Call to Battle

Into the breach has its roots as a military term. When an enemy would open a wall in an army’s defenses, either a physical wall or a column of soldiers, they would breach the army’s defense. A soldier would “step into the breach”, filling the opening so the defense would hold, and the enemy could not get in.

The book, Manual for Men, includes Bishop Olmsted’s Apostolic Exhortation and augments that with the Church’s teachings on the role of men, scriptures for men, writings of saints and prayers and devotions.

I sent a copy of this book to you several years ago along with a copy for your dad. He told me, “I did share the book Manual for Men with Chris way back when, but he and I were not ready. He is ready now."

I believe we are living in a dangerous time. Satan has deceived many. It isn’t the first time in the life of men that evil has appeared to be defeating Good. The Church has survived for over two thousand years, and it will continue to survive. Many of the greatest saints have lived in some of the darkest times.

I believe we need great saints. We need men and women who will be faithful to their faith. They will stand for what is right even when all around them are saying they are wrong.

When I taught eighth grade religious ed I would ask the kids in my class, “Who believes he or she will be a saint?” Invariably, no one would raise his or her hand.

That is wrong. Each of us should expect to be a saint. There are many more saints in heaven than the ones we have names for. I encourage you to live your life in a way that will allow you to be a saint.

Being a saint does not mean living a perfect life. All saints, except Mary, were sinners. It means to discern what God wants you to do and do it. You may fail many times. I really appreciate the example of St. Peter. He was a weak man who sinned greatly by denying Christ three times. Yet, Peter repented and Jesus forgave him.

Prayer is how you discern God’s will. Prayer and sacraments will protect you and strengthen you. Your mom told me she enrolled you in martial arts training for your protection. You probably know how to defend yourself very well. While it is important to protect our bodies it is even more important to protect our souls.

This is a prayer attributed to St. Patrick. It is the short version of a much longer prayer called, “St. Patrick's Breastplate”.

Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

Another important prayer is the Prayer to St. Michael.

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil; May God rebuke him, we humbly pray; And do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

We say the Prayer to St. Michael after Mass at my parish.

I would also encourage you to develop a relationship with your guardian angel. Don’t try to name him. Naming something or someone implies having authority over that person or thing. God had Adam give names to all of the creatures God created. That showed man was given authority over the creatures. We do not have authority over our guardian angel. Talk to your guardian angel. Pray to your guardian angel. Ask for his help. This is a simple prayer:

Angel of God, my guardian dear,
to whom God's love commits me here,
ever this day be at my side,
to light and guard, to rule and guide.

Death With Dignity

We know that this life does not last forever. All of us will die. The Church teaches there are Four Last Things. Death, Judgement, Heaven and Hell.

I’ve already written about my idea of judgement and going to heaven or hell. What about purgatory?

Nothing that is imperfect can be in heaven. Every person, with the exception of The Blessed Virgin Mary and those recognized as saints, does not go to heaven right at death. Everyone else spends time in purgatory.

At death our body dies. Our soul, however, is immortal. It leaves the body and appears before Jesus for judgement. God, through His infinite mercy, allows those who love Him to complete the purification necessary to enter heaven.

We can help our purification in this life by accepting God’s love rather than rejecting it. Practicing Virtue along with the Spiritual Acts of Mercy and the Corporal Acts of Mercy helps to purify the soul.

I think under the Visit the Sick Corporal Work of Mercy we should also include defending and advocating for the sick and dying.

We live in a culture that St. Pope John Paul II referred to as the Culture of Death.

The people most at risk in this culture are the unborn and the elderly. Abortion is a grievous sin that should be obvious to all even though it isn’t.

The treatment of the elderly as they approach death is a little less obviously a threat to the elderly. Yet, it is a great threat.

My father died August 4, 2008. In late March that year he was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor where his kidney had been removed many years before due to cancer of the kidney. A plan for radiation treatment was begun that would eventually have to be discontinued. The cancer had spread to his brain and other locations in his body. The radiation would not be successful, and it was wearing him out.

At the time of this decision, my dad was staying in a care facility in Greenbrae just down the street from the radiation treatment center. While he was at the facility, he was diagnosed with a choking problem when he swallowed liquids. He was limited to being given thickened fluids.

Swallowing thickened fluids is like trying to swallow thick glue. My dad would not drink it. This would cause him to be dehydrated which would result in him having to be taken by ambulance to Marin General Hospital and put on intravenous fluids. When he arrived at the hospital, he looked like he was about to die. Could not speak. Could not open his eyes. Shortly after the IV was inserted he would recover and appear normal. He was lucid and talkative. This happened more than once.

The nurses at the facility all told me it was natural and normal for dying people to become like my father did. I spoke to the doctor for the facility. He assured me it was part of the dying process, and my father was not suffering from it.

I did not agree.

My dad wanted to come home to die. The facility my dad was in was not licensed to put my father on an IV. They would not release him to come home because of his swallowing problem and we could not have him home on an IV.

A speech pathologist is the person who makes the diagnosis about a swallowing impediment and how it has to be treated. My older daughter is herself a speech pathologist. I talked to her, and she suggested a method of giving my father water that could be controlled so he did not choke. The speech pathologist at the facility agreed to the method and he was able to come home.

My dad came home on Sunday, July 27. My cousin, who was like a daughter to my dad, came from Ogden, UT to stay with him. I also stayed with him the following week. My dad remained alert through the following Saturday. He received the sacraments.

My cousin had to return home on Saturday, and we hired a caregiver to stay with him and me. On that Saturday he greeted family and friends. On Sunday he did not open his eyes, but my daughter held his hand while we sat around his bed and prayed the rosary and talked. He was alert. We knew that because he would squeeze my daughter's hand. My family, including my grandchildren, along with my sister and brother-in-law were there.

Monday morning I got up and came into the family room where my dad's bed was. He was asleep. I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him. I then went to take a shower and get dressed.

When I got out of the shower my cell phone was ringing. It was the caregiver. She told me my father had died.

I don't know if the doctors and nurses were correct about a dying person not suffering when they are not being hydrated. I know how terrible it is when I am really thirsty and want a drink. I suppose once the person is no longer in a conscious state, they may not feel like they are suffering. However, had my dad not been hydrated he would not have been able to say his goodbyes and be prepared for death that takes us all.

My dad died a dignified and happy death.

Prepare yourself to advocate for those you love and for those who need it.

Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

Rabbi Harold Kushner’s three-year-old son was diagnosed with a degenerative disease and that he would only live until his early teens. Years after his son’s death, Rabbi Kushner wrote a book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. He posed the question, “Can God be all good and all powerful?” After struggling with this question for many years he concluded, no. God was either all good or He was all powerful, but He could not be booth.

He based this on the premise that God had to be all good. He could not believe otherwise. If that was true, then how could God allow his young son to die. It just did not make sense. Therefore, He was not all powerful.

Peter Kreeft, in his book Making Sense Out of Suffering, dealt with Rabbi Kushner’s conclusion that God was not all powerful. Kreeft, a convert to the Catholic faith, believes, as the Catholic Church teaches, God is all good and all powerful.

1) God is omniscient, 2) God is omnipotent, 3) God is good, and 4) There is evil.

God allows evil to exist. Why is a mystery. There are evils that are caused by acts people take. Murder, for example, is evil.

There are other evils that arise through nature. Disease is a natural evil.

Redemptive Suffering

The issue of Rabbi Kushner's son suffering from a disease that was out of his control can fall under the virtue of bearing wrongs patiently. This can be referred to as Redemptive Suffering.

The culture we live in today has many people doing anything and everything not to be uncomfortable, let alone to actually suffer. God can use our suffering to help purify our soul. We can also suffer for others to help them. How and why this works is another one of the many mysteries for which we do not have a definite answer.

However, we may not understand it completely, but we have the perfect example of it happening with Jesus dying on the cross for our sins.

My Mother's Death

My mother died from the affects of Alzheimer’s. She was living in an assisted living facility. She was never a large woman, but she was strong. She had been in a facility beginning in 2008.

In late 2009 she was not eating very much. She said she wasn't hungry. My sister and I, my father was dead, met with her doctor to find out about having a feeding tube inserted to assist with feeding her.

We needed to determine if my mother’s body was still able to digest food and absorb the nutrients. Alzheimer’s attacks the brain. As it progresses, it causes the brain to shut down bodily functions until the person dies. If her body could no longer process food, there was no point in having a tube inserted.

The doctor told us her body could still process food and the procedure was a simple one. He also said she was healthy enough that the surgery would not pose an exceptional risk. He added, though, it would be better to do it sooner rather than later.

We decided to have the tube inserted.

The surgery was to be performed at a Catholic hospital. Before the surgery could take place, my sister and I had to meet with the hospital’s ethics team.

The team was comprised of about ten people, Catholic and non-Catholic. None of the members was a priest or deacon.

Most people did not speak. I spoke for my sister and myself. A woman who was very strongly against the surgery asked me if I would want to live like my mother was living? I told her, “No. No one would want to live like that. However, my mother, when we were little, would always tell us when we cried after hurting ourselves to ‘offer up our hurts.’ She understood redemptive suffering.”

The surgery was performed in December 2009. My mother died February 3, 2010.

Did the surgery help her? I don’t know. Did it hurt her? I don’t think so. Did I make the right decision? Yes.

Some time after my mom died, I found this in one of her last entries in her 2005 diary, her last diary:

September 20, 2005:

Woke to a terrible revelation that I have been fearing for a long time and I wouldn’t or could not face.

Bill [my father] woke me to ask if I wanted to go to Mass. I am so grateful that we went as I feel that God has helped me today to accept whatever my fate is or what is ahead but face each day as well as I can.